What happened?

I used to be so much happier.

Nights like this...

Azile's life has never been neither perfect nor normal, though just recently I realized how beautiful that is. Uniqueness. Its like a breath of fresh air. Tonight I have real things to celebrate, real things that make me happy... but I'm still human oh so human, complaining about all the material goods I lack and all the places in which I rather be instead of here and now. How to kick the feeling away and start to exist and, to be the bridge that joins the normal world, with the world of ideas and art. How to turn my own walls down and start to create, to live, to shine and reflect the beauty, the randomness, the special things that surround me and that I just didn't seem to appreciate. Always wanting something that is not quite here. Something. Something. Something.
Reaching my arm long to grab it, to picture it, to describe it. One day, it'll come out in the shape of wonder or magic.
I used to watch my brother play video games for hours when I was little. Yes, just watch, not play. I thought that I was utterly wasting my time but I did it, just to keep him company. Time taught me later on, that everything has a reason, because from those long hours of observation, I became an observer and an absorber of the world, the colours, the movement but mainly, of the work of other people. One day, I will narrate the lives of the characters that I've met and observed, the places I've seen, the feelings I've felt. I can't wait for that day, the day when I can pick up a pen and write something that makes sense.

keeping the momentum going....

One cannot say that life stops for you to catch up when you're behind... no, it doesn't. And that makes it so much more fun. So many impressions, decisions, places and faces. and words and voices... and people, who think in so many different ways. There is some people, that when they feel left out or hurt, take extreme positions, usually moral positions and leave you feeling like melted kaka on the floor. There are others that make impressive retreats... There are some like me, that when injured, go to a cave to heal. Destruction and Creation move the whole thing around us, in the same way, breaking and healing move our inner world.
I just got back from camping. We drove almost 4 hours to get to the garden of a pub in a town that looked like a clone of the one I live in. Never mind the location. The sun was shinning and there was football, friends, music and freedom. We just realised the meaning of freedom, freedom to use your time however you want. I write. Nice to meet you.
x
azile

the blackhole

Some days I just breath in deeply in order to fill in the emptyness.
the sweet emptyness of my humanity.