Last Day of 2011

Oh 2011 please do hurry up and finish. Empty. Leave me empty.
Plans? For me no plans. Party? For me no party. I wait impatiently, in between my family who don't move and my greedy work mates that don't care. The year is changing and they just don't care. They are getting money and that's the colour with which they paint.
For me? I want things to happen. My heart beats like a hyperactive bird in too small a cage. All time. Like Love.
2011 forcibly taught me what really matters, what's important, what I should care about. Maybe its growing up. The thing is that even when you know what's important, you don't do what's right. You do what gives you pleasure, for the moment.
I want to suggest looking at 2011 with gratitude. I'm learning it every second of the way. so... thanks for this year of art just gone, heart breaks, so many, of philosophy and moving house, of my second year at University and thanks for an amazing 21st birthday. I started big things this year just leaving, like a Philosophy stall in Greenwich market and my new job which I hate so much but has given my resources and a shell because people get impressed and seem to respect me when I tell them where I work, even though I don't like it myself. My family has been doing fine too in 2011, my brother has overcome sooo many problems, my mum seems more tranquil and so does my step-dad.
The world is not so good though... 2011 was a year of big grief and a lot of greed. GREED. The word sounds like a taunting monster approaching us from the sea. That's why I need you to end 2011.
People have spent enough already, don't you think? its time for it to finish. Its time to wish and change and create and move all this stones (people) from their annoying stagnant state. So hurry up 2012, hurry up and blow it all new and fresh.
x
azile

THE REASON OF THE SEASON

Adventures of Stevie V - Dirty Cash (Money Talks) - Official Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OkoQv9Onoc

This video in its deeply 90's style sings to my reason. Money talks. Dirty cash I want you dirty cash I need you. whoa. The things I want, to fullfill 'my soul's' true dreams cost dirty money. That's the situation at the moment, that's the season.

But we can't go about doing things just because they pay money in the end, or can we? Thing is, I hate my job. In there we are all prisoners in a marble cage. All dressed in black, attending the funeral to our creativity. WE are put there to look pretty and sell shit. Golden shit. Maybe I am too weak to resit a week in my job. Did I mention I hate it? I was put in the most disgusting place for my so called morals.
In the Harrods bubble of pointless unfair luxury, I've been working in Zegna, an Italian brand that basically sells insanely over-prized clothes dreamily hand crafted for 50 year old men. Imagine my face when I have to tell people that a jacket costs£22.000, I just cant... It feels ridiculous. Like a sick joke about inequality. So, who needs this clothes? I'll tell you: arrogant, ugly, short, rich, corrupt men. They do. When their youth and beauty are all gone and all they've done is accumulate money, they come here and spend it, the fools. The happiness you get from this shit experience of me selling you a shirt is not gonna last for more than 5 hours, a day tops. Its all artificially crafted so that you spend your dirty cash. I don't like them and I don't want to point fingers but I bet you they didn't make all that money selling hand-crafted toys, of that I'm sure. I must smell of violence. I feel so much rage, so much inner trapped rage when I see them walk up to the store, treat me like a servant or perv on me. WTF. Their necks stiff and heads held high, their wrinkly skin, they think they can buy it all. No you can't buy me. You can't even buy my kindness. I've decided to be mean. You can't buy my respect. No more.
Sometimes looking at those overly luxurious walls and thinking of the striking poverty of the rest of the fucking world, I hurt. My heart sinks. I try to imagine what else this building could be used for, I mean, for the world.
The less social conscience this place has, the more social conscience grows in me. I try to avoid it, I do silly things to pass the time and avoid hurtful thoughts... like trying to spot pretty people I could fancy or smile at children. But the children don't smile. Children from families with money are expected to act like little adults, its sad really, you can tell they are restless and that their behavior is not natural. I know it because I love children. I used to be a teacher assistant and stuff. Children are incredibly cute and just generally good people. I also really like kittens and puppies. I don't want to loose hope in the human species but it might happen if I stay at this place....
For now, in this end of the year season, dirty cash is the reason. I'm gonna go there, make it, collect it and run with it. Far, far to a land where greediness is not an attribute, is a fault.
anyway, Im not working tomorrow. Gotta say good bye to 2011.
azile
x

Diary-ing....

Webcam to gif

There's nothing I need more right now than to share with you the bizarre things I saw today in my very unlikely (for me) job. I am basically not great at life. I'm bad at relationships, I can be a shit friend, my family always looks at me with a slight air of mistrust, I'm disorganized, I dont always finish what I start, I dont eat well, dont have any timetables, I'm a pretty mess. But there are 3 things, 3 things that redeem me. 3 things I can do. They are: studying Philosophy, painting and working. I have a job at Harrods, a capitalist palace of absurd luxury and old rules. It doesnt match my ideology, at all, but they like me there and I get money. For the time being I have no choice. Today I went back to work there after a while (Christmas and fun stuff) it was bizarre. I forgot how painful their dress code is (try wearing heels standing on a marble floor for 10 hours), I forgot how rude people can be, and surprisingly, the worst are women, women with their husbands are awful. Gay men were mean today too. And you see yourself changing too. I dont think I will be able to hold this job I'm good at for long though... I felt my own voice changing when people asked me for directions and I go 'Oh yes of course madam, do you see that hall on your left?' Disgusting.
I had to distract myself counting how many men with orange trousers I could spot, turns out its quite a lot, at least 14. I mean, money earned in corrupt ways has to spent somewhere... colourful trousers!!!
Anyway, meanwhile this speedy, rich and pointless world was spinning and spending around me, I gathered a few life lessons that I hope you find useful (they definitely helped me not to hung myself)
Five lessons from my job:
1) Money definitely does not buy beauty, style or pleasantness.
2) Don't smile at men and bitches, it'll just make them more arrogant, most of the time it doesnt melt their heart; smile at the children instead.
3) Old people are the most uninhibited, if you need someone to ask an awkward question, ask your nan.
4) Everyone is different and deserves to be treated equally (this one is so cliche but I needs to be reminded to people often)
5) Good people are rare, appreciate them and keep them. Too many parasites lurk the earth.
Well, that's my lessons for tonight, now I'm off to rest my feet and get rid of the stink of perfume that haunts the whole store and surely has mind control powers.
Good night x
azile

all those faces pay for my education...

I have sudden urge to share. Yesterday.
My step-dad got given tickets to watch the final of xfactor. A 'reality' show to find a new pop act. It was so overwhelming and retarded. 10.000 people get together in a venue and wait to be entertained in exchange they give claps and shout.
The crowd is composed mainly of young kids, young girls and their families and people with a need to be part of something big and showy, empty and non-productive. Its distraction, deviation from reality to a big, big scale.
I felt sooo uncomfortable for most of it. I felt shame whenever a celebrity turned up or was mentioned, the crowd went w-i-l-d. WHY???
This culture has certain old unwritten rules on privacy and on repressing feelings... you have to keep and 'stiff upper lip' and be calm and look like a expression-less fish. This kind of events are escapism but not a healthy one, its not good to get those feelings out and showing emotions by shouting at a screen and creating paper idols. its sense-less.
I can appreciate artists and music, definitely, i love it, im not bitter, what I complaining about is how the herd feeds of fast entertainment in response to a lack of real direction.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
England, London are places with masses of opportunity for education, self-improvement even, but its too convenient for the mainstream media to keep us all stupid. This must sound like a cliche but its true. They like you when you're stupid, because you're more willing to give your money away in exchange of short term satisfaction. Like a drug the xfactor numbs you.and all that crowd, all those faces are there just to 'like' stuff and give money. tv watchers give them money.
The irony in my case lays in that all those 10.000 faces pay for my education. My step dad gets paid from the sponsorship company, very down the line, as an anonymous business man, and then me, i get the money and buy my own stuff and complain about the stupidity of it all. would I like it more if my money came from a different source? ABSOLUTELY.
x
azile